Jun 30

50 Lessons I’ve Learned So Far: “Truths” I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self

Category: About Me
  1. Don’t light a coil of magnesium in your bedroom. Burnt carpet doesn’t wash out.
  2. Five cent coins are like the police. When you need them, they are nowhere to be seen. When you really don’t want them around - they’re everywhere.
  3. The weatherman lies.
  4. The situation, no matter how bad, can always be made worse with either a major electrical fault or the sudden addition of many sharp knives.
  5. Washing does not do itself.
  6. When all else fails, read instructions.
  7. Yes, you did leave the iron on.
  8. Never mix laxatives and sleeping pills.
  9. When in doubt what time the train is due at the station, light up a cigarette. Doing so guarantees it will arrive within 30 seconds.
  10. When 3 years old, don’t wander away unannounced from your parents in a shopping center and fall asleep in a change room for 4 hours. Doing so can spark a police response.
  11. You cannot fly.
  12. Never leave your drink unattended in a nightclub.
  13. Don’t ice skate while drunk. You can end up with six stitches in your chin and a cracked tooth.
  14. At 3am, the burgers aren’t necessarily better at Hungry Jacks.
  15. If you haven’t already, you will lock your keys in your car.
  16. If you haven’t already, you will lock yourself out of the house.
  17. Get in and have a shower before the hot water runs out.
  18. When out of powder, never put liquid detergent in either your washing machine or dishwasher. It really isn’t worth the trouble.
  19. Before applying a club-lock to your car’s steering wheel at 11pm at night, always ensure you have the key to unlock it on you and not sitting on a table at home 40km away.
  20. Make sure you put the park brake on. You know those ads on TV where people chase their out of control driverless cars down the street? Yeah….
  21. Your parents will find your porno mags.
  22. Getting your P plates is thrilling. Getting your first speeding fine, not so much.
  23. More often than not, the best bits of the movie are shown in the trailer.
  24. Your chances of winning the lottery are only slightly increased by buying a ticket.
  25. Trams don’t swerve.
  26. Whenever possible, observe a lunar or solar eclipse. Same goes with meteor showers. And comets.
  27. Whilst suffering the great vengeance and furious anger of a particularly nasty hangover, you will have a “Never Drinking Again” moment. That will last about 2 days.
  28. Smoking a bong in a hotel room sets off the fire alarms and the fire brigade turns up.
  29. You will have at least one occurrence of phantom mobile phone vibration syndrome.
  30. If ever caught with weed, never admit what it is. Call it “green vegetable matter”.
  31. Bus drivers don’t appreciate tubs of strawberry yogurt being thrown around the vehicle. You may have to walk home from school the next day.
  32. If you are a registered soccer referee and get sent off while playing for your team, you get twice the ban.
  33. When skiing, learn how to stop first.
  34. Same goes for roller blading.
  35. Always double check the beer bottle you are about to swig from is not the communal ashtray with black juice in the bottom.
  36. Going shopping and waking up in the back of an ambulance is a unique experience.
  37. At some stage you will walk around with your fly open. No one will tell you. You will find out for yourself and wonder how long it has been open for. Then you will understand why people where smiling and looking at you funny. You will then swear.
  38. At some stage you will spill either beetroot or red wine on a good shirt or restaurant tablecloth. And yes, you will look like an idiot for the rest of the night. Even if you try to soak the mess up with a napkin. The waiters will no be impressed.
  39. Swallowing 4xAA batteries when 6 years old requires your stomach to be pumped.
  40. Digging up the first grade classroom’s goldfish 2 weeks after their burial doesn’t earn you any brownie points.
  41. Anyone driving faster than you is a bloody hoon. Anyone driving slower than you is a bloody moron.
  42. Under no circumstances ever mix red and white wine. It opens a world of pain.
  43. The best way to learn a new language is to start with the swear words.
  44. Never mix powdered chlorine and liquid brake fluid in your parent’s garage.
  45. You *can* survive without any harm going through a plate glass window in a shopping trolley. You just gotta bolt when the alarms start going off.
  46. True freedom is a myth.
  47. Learn to cook proper food for yourself.
  48. Don’t believe everything that you read.
  49. You will have boss’s who are out to get you.
  50. Question authority.
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5 Comments so far

  1. nickhac June 30th, 2008 6:46 pm

    LOLZ!!! Nice work

    Your chances of winning the lottery are only slightly increased by buying a ticket…. Love it

  2. Michael June 30th, 2008 7:16 pm

    I’m from WA, and yep. Fucking hilarious, nice work.
    Holds true for a lot of us.

  3. Fi June 30th, 2008 7:56 pm

    How come all this rings true? Perhaps because it is! Ah experience!

    Oh and I love 25, especially in light of weekend events! Hehe!

    I think my latest truth is that you create your own happiness and no one can create it for you, but they can share it.

  4. Mandi July 4th, 2008 5:26 pm

    I am impressed by a few things…

    1. That you survived this long to begin with
    2. That you realized some of these items should never be repeated.

    This puts you heads and shoulders above most guys I know. Plus you made me laugh!

  5. Ali July 6th, 2008 4:37 pm

    Great list, a few of them could be repeated on mine if I was to compile one. Though some I do wonder about.

    Loved 14, 22, 26 :)

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